im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
