In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
