You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
