i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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