Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
