Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
