Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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