before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
