I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize