I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Actions speak louder than pants.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
