Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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