How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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