I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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