im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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