dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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