apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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