My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
