True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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