I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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