"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
no you cant smoke seaweed
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
