bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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