some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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