You can't motorboat a personality
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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