What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
