two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
