I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
