I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
