You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
