dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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