how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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