this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
