Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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