Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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