after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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