someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I deserve this hangover.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
