I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
