so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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