I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
