No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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