i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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