Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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