man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
