I faked an abortion last night.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
