my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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