I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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