So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
