dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
