Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
