i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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