No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
