Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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