I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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