i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
