Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
