I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
