Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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