the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
